Now I Gotta Say Something

[liz_marcs]

When the whole sordid story about WinCon (full information here) started obliquely washing up on my FList, I had no clue what was going on.

My reaction: "Why are my FListies suddenly saying that when people find themselves thrust into an uncomfortable situation — especially an uncomfortable situation of a sexual nature — the first course of action should be to not blame the person who was made uncomfortable, but the person who caused it? Seems to me this is kind of obvious, yes?"

As it turns out, it's apparently not obvious to some people.

Now I am, on the whole, an optimist. People are Generally Awesome. But there are some People Who Really Suck that ruin it for the rest of us.

The latest discussion arising from the WinCon situation has done nothing to dissuade me from that belief.

Most people are Generally Awesome.

But some people Really Suck.

Know what sucks? Victim-blaming.

You know, I'm really glad that there are some people out there who've never been tricked into an uncomfortable situation (as what happened at WinCon), or found themselves unexpectedly in a uncomfortable situation (again, as what happened at WinCon), or were in a public space where certain modes of conventional behavior and common courtesy are expected only to be faced with one of those people Who Really Suck and don't get that there were personal boundaries that shouldn't be crossed (WinCon again).

For the subtextually impaired, the above paragraph is sarcasm, by the way.

But what makes me truly glad in a non-sarcastic way and keeps me in the People are Generally Awesome camp is that for those who have found themselves in bad situations and found people who were willing to step forward and Do the Right Thing (such as the WinCon ComCon — much praise for their handling of the situation) and people who were willing to offer support for the idea that they were not the ones at fault (far too many people to count since this has come to light).

To be fair, I was able to track down what people were upset about, and I spent a lot of time following links trying to get a bead on what happened.

And believe me when I say that my jaw dropped, it dropped wide open and pretty much stayed there.

All I can say is: People Really Are Generally Awesome. My faith in humanity has been maintained.

But there are some people — when I become the Evil Overlord of the Planet — that I will put up against the wall because clearly they are Not Getting It.

Frankly, with the way my personal life is going, I really wasn't in a headspace to comment or say anything, mostly because it would come out as "Garble, blargle, BLAH!" followed by a fuck-fueled rant of epic proportions.

I should also add that I wasn't particularly triggered by anything I read because I'm one of the Lucky Ones. And isn't it sad that the fact I haven't been sexually assaulted (yet) makes me feel Lucky. Equally sad is the idea that this could change in an instant through no fault of my own.

Still, I feel so blessed to know that if I am ever sexually assaulted there'll be someone (maybe a lot of someones) who'll be right there and ready to blame me anyway.

For the subtextually impaired, the above sentence is dripping in sarcasm.

Then, whaddya know: I got triggered. By this post from harmonyfb. (WARNING: Victim-blaming to the n-th degree while using her Pagan beliefs as justification.)

Fuck you very much, Harm. You've joined the list of people going up against the wall when I become Evil Overlord.

Know why? Because silence DOES NOT equal consent. Silence can also mean shocked speechless.



I am a short, but very well-endowed female type person.

This means that when I was younger and thinner I had all kinds of people make inappropriate remarks to me out of the blue.

In self defense, I developed a hardshell, a terrifying black-eyed stare, and a big-ass mouth complete with cut-you-off-at-the-knees tongue. This has generally served me well, mostly because the skeevos I've come across were very obviously skeevos with bonus cowardice. Give the Vibe (you ladies know what I'm talking about), and they'll generally back down.

Like I said: I've been generally lucky on this score.

Only once this has not worked in my favor, and in that instance my brother and his friends grabbed the guy, informed him how this was Not Okay, and then promptly banished him from their circle of friends.

By the way, they didn't do it just because it was me involved. They would've done the same even if this dude tried to pull this crap on a complete stranger. Why? Because they're mensches in the best way, that's why.

But I'm not going to talk about that, because that's not the memory that got triggered.

This is the memory that got triggered:

Waaaaaay back when I was a senior in college, the U sponsored senior portraits as a momento of surviving college and entering the big bad world.

Naturally I signed up, put on a dress, and marched on down to get my picture taken.

Upon entering the room to have my portrait taken, the photographer (who did look skeevy) was on the phone with someone. As I waited for him to finish, something in the back of brain was like, "I don't trust this guy. Something looks off about him."

Then I mentally berated myself for being an ass. Just because I didn't like the looks of the guy didn't mean he was a bad guy, right?

Anyway, he gets off the phone and tells me where to sit and how to pose.

Fine as far as it goes.

Then he starts talking about "his wife" and how she's "uncomfortable about her big tits and her well-rounded ass".

Cue my thought-bubble: What the ever-loving fuck?

Right in the middle of this two other girls show up and are waiting just outside the door to have their picture taken.

I don't think he saw them. I could only see them out of the corner of my eye, he wouldn't have been able to see them at all.

Anyway, as he continues along in this vein they're looking at each other with WtF clearly etched on their faces.

Then the photographer asks me, "Do you feel uncomfortable about your big tits?"

My jaw drops open in shock.

The two girls take off and disappear.

This caused my head to snap toward the door where I had seen them disappear in a puff of smoke. They left me alone with this guy! So much for the fucking sisterhood, right?

Meanwhile, the guy continues to talk dirty to me. About me. And he's doing it in such a way that I'm quite literally shocked speechless by what he's saying because this sure as shit can't possibly be happening, right? It's got to be my imagination, right?

I have got to be reading things completely wrong, right?

I managed to grit my teeth, squeeze out a smile, and get the fuck out of the room.

I then walk several blocks back to my dorm room while I keep playing everything he said to me over in my mind.

I could have been misreading him. I could have imagined it. I could have let his looks be an influence on his actual words.

Clearly I'm the crazy, wrong one in this scenario.

And if I wasn't wrong, why didn't I whip out my patented sharp tongue, cut him off at the knees, and huff my ass out of there? Why did I sit there frozen in shock and let him say those things to me?

Why the hell did I not say anything?

By the time I got back to my dorm room, I had mentally beaten myself up so hard that I was physically black-and-blue, not to mention exhausted. And confused. And humiliated. And embarrassed.

Why? Not because of what he did to me. But because I didn't say anything. Because I sat there and gritted out a smile while he said a whole lot of sexually awful things to me.

In a bizarre twist of fate that day, my roommate had decided to skip classes to work on a term paper that had been kicking her ass and was actually in the room. I walk in, she looks up, and immediately asks, "What the hell happened to you?"

Still in a vague kind of shock, I tell her the whole story.

And then I say, "I was probably reading into things or I misunderstood him. That has to be it, right?"

What I was hoping she'd say is, "You're right. It's totally your imagination and you misunderstood. Don't worry about it."

What she said instead was, and I will never forget it until the day I die because it was One of Those Moments, "Jesus Christ! It's not your imagination, and it's not in your head. I can't believe this happened to you. To you, that last person I'd expect this would happen to. You've got to do something about this. If you don't, what hope do the rest of us have?"

Yeah. She actually said that. To me.

I stared at her. Clearly she had this idea in her head about Who I Was, which at that moment in my head Was Not Who I Was.

She thought of me as whole lot braver than I felt right at that moment.

Maybe this was the wrong thing to say to most people right at that moment.

As it turned it out it was exactly the right thing to me right at that moment.

Once I found my voice, I looked at her and said, "You know what? You're exactly right. Help me find the number for the Student Life office."

She got up from her desk, helped me hunt around for the university directory, and then stood right by my side while I dialed the number and proceeded to let loose on the poor individual who had the misfortune of picking up the phone.

At some point, this poor woman tried to interrupt with questions.

I cut her off. "You know what? If you're going to question my word on this, I'm marching down there right now and you can question me to my face."

There was shocked silence at the other end of the line, followed by, "How fast can you get here?"

"Give me 5 minutes to make the walk," I said. I then hung up the phone.

As I marched toward the door, my roommate blessed me with a, "Go kick their asses."

Needless to say, I made that 5-minute walk in less than 2 minutes, despite the fact I was wearing a dress and high heels. I was now fucking furious. That man made me feel like I was nothing but whack-off material. That man made me feel small, and weak, and stupid, and crazy.

Fuck that noise.

I was going to kill the shit out of anyone that even tried to convince me I was the one in the wrong.

I flew into that office full of black-eyed, Italian-style, cold fury. The kind of fury where you're so angry that you've passed right on by the yelling stage and moved right on into the talk-reasonably-with-your-fists-clenched phase.

They took one look at me and whisked me into a private room. The staff listened to my tale, only asking what I thought were fairly reasonable questions. The staff disappeared and returned with another, older woman, who turned out to be the head of the department, and asked me to repeat it again.

Which I did, and but this time added something about the way I was dressed, which was fairly modest.

(And how fucked up is it that I was so convinced that I'd have to fight tooth and nail to get someone to do something about this guy that I had to offer what I was wearing as evidence that I didn't have this coming. That, people, is the very definition of letting the Rape Culture mess with your head.)

The older woman stopped me right there and said, "I don't care if you walked in there with nothing but a G-string. He had no right to say anything like that to you or anyone else."

This blindingly obvious statement took the wind out my sails so hard that I actually had to lean on the table to hold myself up. They believed me. I wasn't going to have to fight tooth and nail to get them to do something. I was willing to take this all the way, wherever this was going to go, but the fact was I wouldn't have to. They were going to take care of it.

The older woman thanked me, and said they would do something about this. She also said her staff would follow up with me in a day or two.

I thanked them, and left.

And yes, the Student Life office did follow-up with me. That day, in fact. Apparently, the second I left they walked right into the room where the photographer had set up shop, fired his ass, and rescheduled the remaining portraits for another day.

The Student Life office also offered me counseling, but I told them I was fine. All I cared about was that this guy was gone and wasn't going to be victimizing anyone else.

And that, as they say, was that.

And yes, that same portrait is hanging on the wall in my parents' living room and it doesn't bother me in the least.

In fact, I'm kind of proud of it.


I know what some of you might be thinking.

You might be thinking: "Well, Liz, that's a nice story and all, but don't you think you're kind of proving the victim-blamers' point? You spoke up and did something about it."

If you think that, then fuck you. No seriously. Fuck. You.

The point is that in the heat of the moment I didn't say anything. I said nothing at all, in fact. I sat there and took it. My silence was not permission allowing this guy to say sexually aggressive things to me. In the heat of the moment, it was sheer shock and a whole lot mental denial.

This was followed by a whole lot of self-doubt.

And if it wasn't for a stroke of luck starting with one person who thought a whole lot better of me than I felt about myself in that weak moment, I still would have said nothing at all, and that photographer would have kept his job and done the same to God knows how many other girls.

So, here's one more for the pile:

We gotta watch out for one another, support one another, be aware for one another, and take care of one another.

Because you never know when You (yes, YOU) might make a difference and prevent a bad situation from getting worse.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to run away from the computer for a little while, because I'm having a Bad Day due to One Post that Set Me Off.

Comments

[deannawol.livejournal.com]

Hear Hear :) Very well said, hon. And I agree completely.

[lee-rowan.livejournal.com]

When you're Evil Overload, if you need help, give me a yell. I am SO FUCKING FED UP of people who blame anyone who stands up and "makes a fuss" when someone else crosses the line.

THAT IS WHY BULLIES GET AWAY WITH IT -- because nobody wants to stand against them.

I'm not going to read your links because I'm juggling two deadlines (book and audiobook) and don't have time to get angry at idiots. But I'm right with you on this!

[heliophile-oxon.livejournal.com]

I am one of those people who think about posting time after time after time and practically never do, because .... it wouldn't be interesting, or it would be dumb, and the like. But in response to this I would just like to say I think you are - well you're just great. You are. And not because I think you're superwoman, but because you're a more-than-super woman of the kind who puts her trousers on one leg at a time. And I wish I were more like you.

[secondalto.livejournal.com]

I for one would welcome you as my Evil Overlord. If you need a minion.....

[rikibeth.livejournal.com]

Holy shit. You have more moxie than most, which is what sustained you through the interview with Student Life; it would take someone with truly ASTONISHING levels of moxie to speak up and confront the guy while he was being skeevy, given all the training young women get in being polite and how extensive that politeness is supposed to be.

Anyone who would mistake a woman's poleaxed silence in such a situation for consent? Does not show a clear understanding of the social dynamic.

There, was that understated enough?

In conclusion, YOU ROCK.

[huzzlewhat.livejournal.com]

Where do I leave my name to apply to be your minion?

((hugs you hard)) Your story ... damn. And this: "The older woman stopped me right there and said, "I don't care if you walked in there with nothing but a G-string. He had no right to say anything like that to you or anyone else." actually made me cry. Because people are awesome.

I should also add that I wasn't particularly triggered by anything I read because I'm one of the Lucky Ones. And isn't it sad that the fact I haven't been sexually assaulted (yet) makes me feel Lucky. Equally sad is the idea that this could change in an instant through no fault of my own.

I wrote practically the same thing in my LJ. I'm damned lucky, and I know it — and I'm so very aware that luck is all it is.

[shakatany.livejournal.com]

I came across harmonyfb's post earlier and found that thebratqueen had an awesome response, far better than any I could make.

Shakatany

[lee-rowan.livejournal.com]

I love your icon. First female role model I remember who hit back!

[shakatany.livejournal.com]

Thank you. The sad thing is that in all the years since she first appeared there still are very few like her :(

Shakatany

[lee-rowan.livejournal.com]

True... but when I see the little Xenas show up at Halloween, I just smile. One good ass-kicking Warrior Princess teaches a lot of little girls!

[nwhepcat.livejournal.com]

Whoa. What a horrible experience. How awful to be frozen that way (and I've had my moments where I was stunned speechless in the same way -- like when I was on the phone with the husband of a friend who was TELLING ME WHEN HIS WIFE'S MEMORIAL SERVICE WAS), and feel powerless. And what kills me is Harm has said she's had the same kinds of moments. But now she's Above Them? Argh!

THIS to the tenth power.

::smishes you:: I miss you!

[jetpack-monkey.livejournal.com]

My love for your awesomeness knows no bounds.

liz_marcs for Almighty Evil Dictator of the Universe!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Here's how I'm dealing with all of this: wine, nibbles, good book, bubble bath. And reminding myself of all of the folks that came out in support of reason. *hugs*

[entrenous88.livejournal.com]

We gotta watch out for one another, support one another, be aware for one another, and take care of one another.

Yeah.

And I don't want to associate with anyone who thinks otherwise.

[lostakasha.livejournal.com]

I just got caught up on this whole debacle, and it is a day-ruiner, for sure.

We gotta watch out for one another, support one another, be aware for one another, and take care of one another. Absolutely.

Sadly, that's a great deal harder to do (for some) than it is to flaunt their self-awareness from on high. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Thanks for this.

[gwynnega]

Thanks for this.

The older woman stopped me right there and said, "I don't care if you walked in there with nothing but a G-string. He had no right to say anything like that to you or anyone else."

I love this woman so much.

[bigsciencybrain.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I haven't clicked on a single link and generally avoided all of this. For the reasons of not wanting my blood pressure to suffer and end up screeching to the wide internets.

I agree, people are Generally Awesome. I also have a list of folks who fail so badly at being decent human beings that they have no value to the species and should be removed.

I'm disappointed in Harmonyfb, who I have always thought of as decent. But then, disappointment in human beings is kind of a theme lately.

[serendu.livejournal.com]

I should also add that I wasn't particularly triggered by anything I read because I'm one of the Lucky Ones.

Same here. It did remind me of stupid situations I'd managed to get out of through pure luck than anything else and thank my lucky stars that I did.

*applauds your post*

[janedavitt.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you had to endure that asshole and I admire you for what you did, your friend for helping you get to that point, and the admin who backed you up more than I can say.

Not on a par, but I remember once, age 24 or so, a civil servant, with a nice shiny degree and all, going to my new elderly doctor about a rash. I told him that it was dermagraphism (I'd had this before so I knew what it was) and he smirked at me and said, 'That's a big word for a little girl to use.'

I cannot tell you how many times I've played that scene over and blasted him to cinders with some well-chosen words. At the time, I think I gave him a stunned look and murmured 'not really; derma, skin, graphism to write'. Doctors. You're polite to them and respectful, yes?

Asshole.

*de-lurks*

[staringiscaring.livejournal.com]

I'd give this post two snaps. You're completely right.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Very well said, and I'm glad to hear that in your story people believed you and took action.

[silentpheonix.livejournal.com]

So I've got a question for you girls. I was at a New Year's party in a bar and a girl who was drunk as you could possibly be, walked up behind me and pinched my ass. What would you do in this instance?

Clearly, it's sexual harassment and if it were a guy I would've have kicked him but it was another girl. I was kind of in shock because this was the first time anyone had done that to me, much less a girl. I didn't know what to do other than give her the "terrifying black-eyed stare" and remove myself from her vicinity. And it wasn't like she was going around doing this to anyone else.

[kajivar]

You are awesome. Both for what you did then and what you are saying now.

[hoppytoad79.livejournal.com]

One thing that popped out to me in your story was how your gut told you the photographer was skeevy but you dismissed that as being ridiculous. Women are taught not to listen to their guts, to just play nice and give people the benefit of the doubt--and we both know what ignoring their gut instict has resulted in for many, many women. We're taught to be nice and sweet about telling someone to leave us alone and stop, and that it's wrong to rock the boat.

Silence absolutely is not acceptance/agreement by any stretch of the imagination. Anyone who thinks your story supports the victim-blaming view needs a few hard whacks upside the head with a Clue By Four. I was sexually assaulted at the end of February. Thank God, I have lots of friends who are all "Go forth and kick his ass!". I doubt that, in your case, even if you had said something the photographer would've stopped. He just would've told you to stop being so sensitive, or some crap like that.

In my situation, I started saying 'no' pretty much as soon as he started to try to move things beyond kissing. I said 'no' repeatedly. When I talked to him a few days later (long story), the way he'd understood 'no' was that I was only saying 'no' to having sex. O_o WTF? It boggles me that anyone could not grasp that when someone says 'no', it means they want things to stop RIGHT NOW. Not in five minutes, not at some future point, NOW. Because of that douche, I'm unable to have normal, healthy relationships with guys. Dating is out of the question until further notice because I am scared, at a deep level, that if I do, what if he wants to kiss me and then wants to go further and doesn't listen when I say 'no'. I have to tell a guy who's very nice and done nothing to make me think he's like that "It's not you, it's me", and it pains me to do that because, like I said, he's a nice guy. I went to where he works one day before my shift at work started and I had to force myself to look around the store for him, and then when we were making small talk I had to force myself not to bolt. How ridiculous is that? Yeah, I'm pissed. I'm broken and have to put myself back together, all because a guy thought with his dick instead of his brain.

[agilebrit.livejournal.com]

I, too, am one of the Lucky Ones. And I finally found out just what went down at WisCon and stared at my screen in horror going "Really? REALLY???" On what planet is that acceptable behavior?

And the thing is, if I wrote that incident as fiction? It would be summarily rejected because no one would REALLY act like that, right?

And bravo for standing up and saying something about Asshole Photographer. I'm not sure I would have, TBH. I may be a bit of a shit-stirrer online (where I don't break into angry, frustrated, and embarrassing tears), but IRL I'm pretty spineless and often do not speak up even when I should.

[arpzilla.livejournal.com]

I hate victim-blamers to the very core of my essence. They are the reason people stay silent afterwards. No reason is ever good enough. Somehow it's always still the victim's fault and how dare they allow themselves to be assaulted.

This is all ridiculous. I ran across it on sf_drama and found it all disgusting. Who thinks it's okay to do such a thing to someone else? Talk about corrupt and bottom of the class ladder. Then again, why should I be surprised? When someone charged as a supervisor, mentor, and leader can look you square in the eye after a patient decides to grab you in a sexual place, and tells you that "I think it's just cultural. After all, he [the patient] didn't bite [other RN] that hard." Then proceed to try and convince you that you should not file a report because, "Well, if we had two or more people complaining, maybe, but with just you..." How can you have any faith left in humanity? Clearly, it's all your fault for, you know, being within reach of that pathetic excuse for a human being while trying to carry out his daily care.

So... yeah. Fuck you. Everyone who thinks it's okay to sexually assault someone. Special fuck you to those that feel that the victim should have "done something" to prevent it. Sometimes you can't. Fuck you. I hope it never happens to you, because God forbid I ever sink that low.


I agree with your rant. Sorry I hijacked for a moment, but this crap infuriates me to no end.

[ryca.livejournal.com]

You never know what will be triggering... and I agree, it's appalling that I too should call myself "One Of The LUCKY Ones". (Highlight to read)


I fell asleep alone on a night train in the south of France when I was 20 and woke up to find an older man sitting next to me and breathing heavily, with his hand between my legs.

I froze. I forgot every word of French that I knew. I pretended that I was still asleep.

I looked around the train for an empty seat, but it had filled up while I slept. I made judgements about the people around me: the man assaulting me was Asian, and (literally) all of the rest of the passengers in the train car were 20-ish, white, and shaven-headed men. I was afraid that screaming and calling attention to what he was doing would get him killed, which was somewhat more than I felt he deserved. Maybe I was wrong about them; I don't know. I was also afraid that I wouldn't be able to explain why I was screaming and crying.

I finally shoved his hands away from me, got out of my seat with my bag, and walked to an empty seat. I threw my bag over the sleeping soldier/skinhead/someone in the aisle seat, and used the luggage rack to vault myself over him. He woke up briefly but barely acknowledged me.

I spent the rest of the train ride shaking, crying and furious - at myself.

I've spent 12 years trying to justify that shocked silence to myself.

Thank you; I didn't follow up the way you did, but I'm not the only one to think "I'm a strong woman - why didn't I say something?", and I know that it doesn't mean that I'm not that strong woman.

[sroni.livejournal.com]

I just want to hug you. Because you did what I didn't do- you spoke up. And for that, I thank you.

[honorh.livejournal.com]

Ye gods. We all seem to have this idea that we'll somehow be able to snap off a few cutting remarks and maybe karate moves if Something Like That ever happens, but when it does . . . it's like we've been following a script, and when someone goes off-script, we have no idea what to do. I'm glad you were able to go to Student Life later and get that guy canned, because I guarantee you weren't the only girl he made feel uncomfortable that day. I'd lay good odds that every girl who went to have her picture taken felt skeeved, most didn't like the way he looked at them, and quite a few didn't like how he talked to them.

How long will it take for this kind of thing to get fixed?

[(Anonymous)]

I don't usually post comments on any of the journals I read regularly but sometimes a post comes along that I feel I have to. I am so glad that your experience was believed and responded to.

"The older woman stopped me right there and said, "I don't care if you walked in there with nothing but a G-string. He had no right to say anything like that to you or anyone else.""

This almost made me cry. It's the right response and one we so rarely get. More often it seems we get a response like harmonyfb which blames the victim and then (in her last comment) insinuates that (after having something traumatic happen) we should be able to control our response to it!?! Her whole post was triggering, judgemental and disgusting. I sincerely hope that if anyone in her life ever needs to speak to her about assault or rape she shows a little more empathy because as an assault victim I feel dirty just having read her words let alone how I would feel if she actually spoke to me. If I had read this back in the days I was feeling guilty and wondering if I somehow invited it or misunderstood it (hard to misunderstand waking up half naked with someone molesting you (although according to harmonyfb I should have done something the moment I felt uncomfortable and then it would have all been okay!)) this post would probably have exacerbated those feelings. As it is I am still in the uncomfortable position of being so angry I'm shaking and so dirty I would take a shower except I know it wouldn't make me clean.

[brujaoscura.livejournal.com]

I have been in a similar situation- and thank the GODS felt like you.

I have unlearned the training about ignoring my gut and being a "good girl" It has saved my ass any number of times.

Ignore the judgemental twit. She makes the Pagans look bad.

[soundingsea.livejournal.com]

The response of the Student Life officials was amazing because I think we always worry that people *won't* listen and that's why we don't say anything.

I'm so glad you had the support you needed, from your friend and from the officials. :P