liz_marcs | I Love the Whole World, Even the Weirdness of Complete Strangers

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I Love the Whole World, Even the Weirdness of Complete Strangers

Soooooooo....

I get this random call on my cell phone this morning from a half-panicked guy demanding to know who I am, and why I sent him a text message that said, "I luv it wen u do it like that."

What follows is an exchange wherein I determine that someone's marriage is already toast, even though the male half of the equation seems utterly unaware of this state of affairs.

Just to set you up for the dramatis personae:

Our Heroine (OH)
Dead Man Walking (DMW)

Cue cell phone ringtone "Mean to Me" by Crowded House...

Cell phone ringing: "I could not escape//A plea from the heart//You know what it means to me//She said don't walk away//I'm down on my knees//So please don't be mean to me...

Our Heroine (OH): [fumbling with phone] Yes, yes? Hello?

Dead Man Walking (DMW) [angry] Who is this?

OH: [pulls phone away from ear, stares at number, notices that there's no name attached to the number, puts phone back at ear] Who wants to know?

DMW: Me!

OH: Look, you called me, therefore I get to ask the questions.

DMW: Is this Lizbeth?

OH: [suspicious] Maybe.

DMW: Why did you text me?!?!

OH: I don't text.

DMW: [really angry] Well, I got a text message from this number!

OH: You sure you're calling the right number?

DMW: Is this 1-555-YOU-SUCK? {<---Note: This is, in fact, not my actual number}

OH: That is indeed. But I still didn't text you.

DMW: [getting pissed off] I have your number right here! You did text me!

OH: Sorry. No.

DMW: You did!

OH: I don't care how many times you repeat it. It's still not true. And it's not going to become true no matter how many times you say it. [pauses before adding in a chipper voice] I'm hanging up now. Have a nice day!

DMW: Wait, wait! My wife called you last night!

OH [decides to not to hang up just to see how far this guy is willing to go to get...well...whatever it is he's after] Didn't hear the phone ring. Then again, I don't exactly carry my cell phone everywhere with me, like when I'm throwing out the trash. Or taking a shower.

DMW: [sounding vaguely panicked] See, my wife was looking at my cell phone and she found a text message from you—

OH: No she didn't.

DMW: She did!

OH: Not from me she didn't. I don't know how many times you want me to explain this, but I. Don't. Text. I don't want to spend the money for it. If I want to talk to someone, I call them. Texting is too much of a pain in the ass and it's too damn expensive.

DMW: [now getting hysterical] Fine! She found a text from this number! She did, I swear! And it said: "I luv it wen u do it like that." So my wife found it and she got mad. So she decided to call the number and find out who it was from. I guess she got your voicemail, because she did have your name. So I come home and she starts screaming at me about what was I doing receiving text messages from a Lizbeth! She was furious! And she won't believe me when I tell her that I have no idea who you are!

OH: [now feeling slightly guilty, because clearly this guy is in hot water] Oh! You jogged my memory...

DMW: [sounding hopeful] Yes?

OH: I did receive a call last night, but I think it came in while I was tossing the garbage.

DMW: [deflated] Oh.

OH: Yeah, before I went to bed last night, I noticed a number I didn't recognize on my incoming calls list. Since they didn't leave a message, and I didn't see a name attached to the number, I just assumed it was a wrong number and erased it.

DMW: And you didn't text anyone.

OH How many times do you need me to repeat myself? Because the story's not going to change no matter how many times you ask me.

[Very long pause]

DMW: [clears throat, sounds a little guilty] You don't happen to live in Camelot {<---Note: Not the name of a real town}, do you?

OH: [begins to think 'the wife,' if real, may have a reason to be suspicious] Do you honestly expect me to answer that question?

DMW: [mumbling] Guess not. [louder] I just don't understand how I got a text message from you if you didn't send it.

OH: Let me repeat this one more time: I did not send you a text message last night or any other—

DMW: Oh! Not last night. More than two years ago.

OH: [suddenly pissed] What the hell did you just say?

DMW: See, this text came in on my old cell phone. I was testing it to see if it still worked, and when I was done charging the battery, I found all these old text messages on it. This text came in on April 14 and it was more than 2 years ago.

OH: [bites tongue so hard that she can taste blood] So, let me get this straight: You called me, a random stranger, and basically yelled and hollered that I was lying about sending you a text message—

DMW: [attempts to interrupt] I didn't—

OH: [does actually interrupt] And it turns out that the text message in question wasn't sent last night, but actually more than 2 years ago. Which means that even if I did send the message, there's no way I'd even remember sending it. Do I understand you correctly that this is the case?

DMW: [hopeful] So you might've sent me a text message 2 years ago?

OH: Not a chance, because, and I'm repeating myself here, I. Don't. Text. In addition, even if I was a texting fool, there's still no way that I sent that text.

DMW: But you said yourself that you wouldn't necessarily remember—

OH: I got this phone number after you received your mysterious text.

DMW: [defeated] Oh.

OH: I know this because I just got my free upgrade to a new cell phone from Verizon to celebrate my anniversary. And I had switched to Verizon from another carrier and decided to get a new cell phone number to go with it. So, you've basically involved a complete stranger in the middle of this.

DMW: [hopeful] Ummmm, is it okay if my wife calls you when she gets home so you can tell her this? She won't believe me.

OH: [thinks: "Wow. Someone's marriage is fucked."] Sure. Why not? But if she doesn't believe you, I'm pretty sure she's not going to believe me.

DMW: [relieved] Thank you. Thank you very much. [pause] If you don't mind my asking, what town do you live in?

OH: [rolling eyes] There isn't a chance in hell I'm going to answer that question.

DMW: Fair enough.

=+= end call =+=

So, it's not everyday I get a random stranger calling me and accusing me of being a mad texter bent on destroying their rapidly crumbling marriage. I'm not sure whether to be amused or feel sorry for the guy.

In other news, I'll be attending my first yoga class in, oh, *mumble mumble mumble* years. Either I'll snap like cheap plywood, or I'll tie myself into a tangled pretzel and will need emergency medical care.

And finally, because I want to leave off on an upbeat, cheerful note, "I Love the Whole World" from the Discovery Channel. (Watch for the Mythbusters Boyz where in Adam sets Jamie on fire!) It's different from the one they're actually showing on the network, but still cool nonetheless.

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..that's a special kind of stupid, right there.

And they play the 'I like to try new things' Boom de yadda during Mythbusters episodes...dunno why.

Yeah, and I think it's both Jamie and Adam singing that "I like to try new things" while Adam's setting Jamie on fire.

But the phone call? Aaaaaamazing stupidity. I was on the phone for like, 10 minutes with this guy. I didn't even think of hanging up because I was so gobsmacked by the whole exchange. And then to find out that the text message was more than two years old....

I'm actually highly amused by the whole thing.

It's the Car Accident Theory as applied to cellphones! You KNOW it's an ugly call, but you just can't bear to hang up...something compels you...

*facepalms*

Wow, yeah, I'm not sure if I feel bad for that guy because his wife spazzed out over a two year old text message or if I think he's a complete idiot for calling you and freaking out.

You'll have to let us know if the wife does indeed call though.

Reminds me of a guy who came into my work once and asked me to potentially accept a call from his wife, so that she wouldn't know he was out drinking, thus violating his probation AND his AA precepts. He wanted me to answer his cellphone and pretend to be his AA handler, or whatever they're called.

THAT was a giant bag of awwwwwwwwwwwwwwkward, let me tell ya.

The handlers are called sponsors, and it amazes me how people think that their sponsor is somehow responsible for them. Any real sponsor would not get involved in drama like that, so you can always spot a fake sponsor from 1,000 miles away.

But speaking of AA, I had a similar hilarious experience a while ago. When I lived in Florida, I was very active in the program. That meant I handed out my phone number a LOT, to all kinds of people. That's just how it is in AA.

So one day I'm in an NA meeting, and I get a call from a number I don't recognize from a Tampa area code (~2 hours from Orlando, where I am). I don't answer (in a meeting), and it goes to voice mail. We go out afterward, and I don't even carry my phone. As I'm headed home, I'm surprised to see the same person has called several times, and I have five messages.

I immediately think "emergency," and listen to the messages. They're all from a crazy-sounding chick, screaming accusations and insults. Over the course of the messages, I gather that she thinks I've fucked her man (boyfriend? husband?). The messages were both funny and terrifying, but the best line out of all of them is "I hope you got his STD, too!"

I did not return her call, as I'm a little worried that maybe she has my address. I have no clue at this point why she's calling me.

The next day, I get a call - during a more reasonable daytime hour - from a blocked number. With some trepidation, I answer, and it's her.

Crazy Bitch: "Who is this?!"
Me: "Lo."
CB: "Lo from WHERE?!?"
Me: (don't want her to know what city I'm in at this point) "Lo from Central." (that's my AA club, and would mean something to her if she were an AA person in my area)
CB: "from WHERE?"
Me: "Who are you?"

She says that her boyfriend has my number. I emphasize that I haven't slept with any guy (was dating a lady at the time), let alone hers. But why, then, did she find my number in his stuff?

I'm then faced with a moral dilemma. Do I mention the AA connection, potentially destroying the anonymity of a newcomer? Or do I just let her kill me?

Me: "Does he go to AA, do you know?"
CB: "No. But he needs to!"
Me: "Ah. Well, I am in AA and I give my cell number out freely to hundreds of people each week. I don't remember any Ken [whatever his name was], but perhaps that's how he came to have it."
CB: (sounding abashed, but not fucking abashed enough) "Oh."
Me: (just before she hangs up) "I'm sorry about your STD."

I've always felt bad about potentially blowing the cover of a guy who was secretly trying to get sober... but on the other hand, someone who's obviously a newcomer (crazy girlfriend = dead newcomer giveaway) has no business getting phone numbers from women anyway.

While I still don't drink, I don't go to AA anymore. It's amazing how drama-free my life is these days. It's a delightful shade of boring.

Wow. That's really special. I love the entitlement that people have that makes them think they can call random phone numbers to have those people referee their relationships. >.<;;

See, this is why I know telephones are an invention of the devil.

My equivalent story has to do with a nightmarish evening when we were waiting for a call from Miss Perfect, who needed picked up at school, and a guy kept calling and accusing me of having an affair with his father. In explicit and obscene terms. When I stopped answering the phone, he abused my husband instead. The first thing our daughter said when her call came through was "Why were you guys talking on the phone, I've been trying to call for an hour."

Julia, would that this stuff was amusing as it is creepy.

Dude. That guy's short a few brain cells. Like, half of 'em. I'm also thinking he did a shag-and-run with the former owner of your number. Keep us updated on if the wife calls you back--this sounds like one for the books!

That video is AWESOME. I'm totally grinning ear to ear right now.

The phone call is a totally different kind of awesome. But the VIDEO. I LOVE it. I'm gonna replay it again. SMILES.

That conversation was hilarious.

I totally agree with you, that text messages are to much a bother.

Most hilarious and you handled it like a champ, thinking of all the right things to say at the right time. I'm jealous as I always think of these things after the fact...

Reminds me of the SMS conversation I had once with a young lad who took some convincing that I wasn't the fit lass he'd been talking with the night before in such-and-such a club (200 miles from me) and who'd given him "her" number. Before that, I'd never have thought it possible for a three word message to carry such a plaintive and crestfallen air.

Lately, I've had two messages from a new Mystery Texter, one asking if I'd get them a praline, the other telling me that "he doesn't feel well and they won't let him home." I would try to set them straight, but my experience is that such people are impossible to convince. Better to let the intended recipient try to explain why they're not answering their messages. ;-)

Text msgs, expensive? Must be a NAmerican thing. Here, kids find them cheaper than paper for passing messages in class...

Some of our providers - not all - charge for texting, by the message. Not a lot, but if you get in the habit it can add up quick.

I remember a similar (not in theme, but in circumstances) call I got once - this guy was frantically trying to get hold of some girl whom, it turned out, had the number before me. They hadn't spoken in about eight months and I'd had the number for about six weeks. He kept insisting he "had the right number" and that I needed to put her on the phone. Took five calls (in an hour) for him to listen that I didn't even *know* any girls by that name and, as it turned out, I live several miles away and am of a very different social group (and male).

I wondered about the cost thing too, when I read it - here texting is the cheapest way of communicating - most people get enormous bundles of free texts, which is why it is the communication means of choice for British youth.

But as for your loony caller - Good Grief! Two years!

Actually, my provider offers a text package of so-many/mo for a set fee. If you don't get the package; it's a ridiculous per message fee. Since I find texting to be a pain in the posterior, I don't bother with the package. OTOH, I don't get charged to receive them, only to send them.

My plan has no free text messaging. It's 15 cents per - and if I text my husband, it's 30 cents, 15 to send and 15 for him to receive.

I don't text much. :D

Someone pays when the receive a text?
I pay 25 cents for every text I send, but that's all the charges on there. I have no idea what the call charges, but it's cheaper to text. And I prefer it because it costs to get messages of voice mail.

That is some texting story right there. Poor bastard =P You were more patient than I would have been, lol.

I'd say something, but I'm too busy giggling like a madwoman.

I can't decide whether to laugh my head off or beat it on the desk. Yeesh. The story does bring to mind the guy who called my home one day, many years ago, and the minute I answered, starting screaming at me and demanding to know what I'd done with his parents. After much questioning (while he accused me of being in his parents' home, stealing their things (I cannot type that without a LOLCAT image appearing in my brain)), it turned out that he'd transposed their area code, so while he thought he was calling Arizona, he was really calling Washington state. It took forever to get that through his head, and he hung with threats to call the cops on me. I always wondered whether he ever got the meds he so clearly needed.

But no, really . . . did you send me a text message last night?

and where do you live??

OMG, that's 1) kinda creepy, 2) all kinds of stupid, and 3) REALLY REALLY CREEPY.

You've gotta let us know if his wife calls you, it's like real people soap, in my very own livejournal backyard.

OK, I just watched that video like six times. Then I e-mailed it to my husband. Awesome!

You get much more interesting involvement. I think I've gotten calls that potentially could go something like that but I hang up too quickly to get the full entertainment value. :)

The stupidity, it burns...

WOW.

Hilarious, though, so thank you for sharing!

Hahahahaha. Okay, that's kind of awesome. It's even better since I've heard your voice and I can totally hear that conversation in your voice. =)

You have to keep us up-to-date on this, if the wife calls you. I'm highly amused.

That is weird from weirdville. Very odd.

You should put that in a story. Really.

We've been getting calls from folks looking for a property management company--for jobs, apartments, to sell us management software, etc -- because THE DAMNED FOOLS NEVER TOOK OUR NUMBER OFF THEIR WEBSITE when they were bought out. We finally called their webmaster and it was taken down.

We're still getting someone attempting to fax, every day at about 9 am--and we can't *69 the number.

You could suggest to the irritated wife that she could contact the phone company and see if she could find out who did have your number 2 years ago.

Two YEARS. What a moron!

Now that's stepping into the third act of a soap opera. Methinks you're right about this guy and his marriage.

What a schmuck. The video is awesome, though. Thanks so much for posting it.

The phone call cracked me up. Sometimes dealing with the stupid is funny, and gives you stories to entertain folks with. If only the stupid could always be funny ...

OMG, that is just beyond insanity. I think we see a marriage approaching the cliffs of doom here.
I answered the phone the other day: "Hello" I said. "That is an invalid response" a voice on the other end replied, so I hung up.
:)

That is crazy! Similar thing happened to my boyf one night; got a load of threatening calls from some guy saying "you shagged my woman, I know where you live, I'm coming to kill you" etc etc. Then after about 2 hours of this he gets a text saying: "Sorry mante. Wrong number. Sorry mate."

Harsh!

Good luck with the crazies.

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I Love the Whole World, Even the Weirdness of Complete Strangers

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Destroying someone's world 160 characters at a time

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