Best! Conversation! With! Mom! Evah!

[liz_marcs]

Ahhhhhh, my mother can be sooooo French sometimes.

It appears I got something "special" in the mail. This "special mail" actually went to my parents' house more than 40 miles away to a house where I haven't lived in for some time.

 

Our Heroine's Mother Who's Acting Like She's 12: You got mail here today.

Our Heroine: Unh-hunh. Who's trying to get me to give them money this time? My high school? My college? I know it's not the ACLU. They already know where I live.

OHMWALS12: [giggling] It's a free sample.

Our Heroine: [suspicious] What is it?

OHMWALS12: I think it should be a surprise. [gets off phone and yells to Our Heroine's father in the background] It's a federal offense to open someone else's mail, right honey?

OHFather: [yells from background] Leave me out of it!

OHMWALS12: Can I open it? Hunh? I can open it if you say I can.

Our Heroine: Knock yourself out.

[sounds of ripping]

[sounds OHMWALS12 giggling]

Our Heroine: [groans] This is going to be good, is't it?

OHMWALS12: [portentiously clears throat, begins reading] "Are you battling that dry feeling?"

Our Heroine: I got a skin lotion sample?

OHMWALS12: "Do you miss that wet and wild feeling?"

Our Heroine: I got a free bath oil sample?

OHMWALS12: "Are you afraid of getting intimate?"

Our Heroine: I got an trial offer for a dating service?

OHMWALS12: "Introducing Loving Touch, for that personal celebration on Valentine's Day."

Our Heroine: [being a thicko] Wha?

OHMWALS12: It's lube!

Our Heroine: [boggles that her 65-year-old mother 1) knows what lube is; 2) is pleased as punch she's got a sample in her hands; 3) seems to have no problems that it was addressed to her daughter]

OHMWALS12: You don't have any plans for this, do you?

Our Heroine: [momentarily thinks of saying "yes" just to give OHMWALS12 a heart attack, but stupidly changes her mind] Ummmm, if I really needed any, I can go down the street and buy it. I'm not going to travel 40-plus miles just for a free sample.

OHMWALS12: Can I have it?

OHFather: [from the background] Gah!

Our Heroine: Gah!

OHMWALS12: If you really want it, I can save it for you.

OHFather: [from the background] WHAT?!?!?!

Our Heroine: Nononononononono. Do whatever you want with it.

OHMWALS12: Score!

 

And that, people, is why I call my mother almost every day...

Comments

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Holy shit! ROFL! Heck, I talk to my mom almost every day and she's not NEARLY that amusing.

[liz-marcs.livejournal.com]

When it comes to sex, my mother is so very, very French.

My favorite piece of advice from my mother is the following:

"Really, monogomous relationships are the best way to go. You don't have to wear condoms that way. Condoms are just awful. Using one is like wearing a raincoat in the shower."

*headdesk*

[honorh.livejournal.com]

Your mother sounds an *awful* lot like my mother. She and my father had endless fun with the fact that some marketing person apparently had the wrong idea about who was pregnant in our family last year. My *father* (his name is Leslie, which probably explains it) kept getting free samples and coupons from Pampers, Enfamil, and other marketers of baby-type goods, all congratulating him on his forthcoming blessing. You could always tell when a package would arrive from the gales of laughter issuing forth from my parents' home.

(You'll be glad to know that they gave all the stuff to my pregnant sister that she wanted and donated the rest.)

[liz-marcs.livejournal.com]

Heeeeee! There was a very long period where I was getting all sorts of strange things because someone, somewhere decided I was male. I was getting all these offers for "laddie mags" when I was in high school.

So, yeah, sometimes I really wonder how punch drunk some of the data entry people are when they put you on the list for third class mail.

[nocturnalista.livejournal.com]

Your mother is a beautiful, beautiful person.

[liz-marcs.livejournal.com]

Or as we call her: A very, very French person. She's a slight step off the beam sometimes when it comes to romance.

I love her to pieces, though.

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

Score indeed!

Do not ask your mother for details regarding the disposition of the lube.

Unless you don't mind being emotionally scarred for life.

[liz-marcs.livejournal.com]

I was one of those children who never had to wonder where I came from.

Already scarred.

Although my mom can still throw me at times...

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

She sounds like a peach.

[4thdixiechick.livejournal.com]

Hee!

This cracked me up sooo much! Can I call your Mom instead of mine?

[liz-marcs.livejournal.com]

Don't laugh. I've had friends call and have entire conversations with my mother. It didn't happen often, but it's happened often enough.

[faithhopetricks.livejournal.com]

((dies laughing))

[liz-marcs.livejournal.com]

This conversation happened a few days ago. It took me that long to stop giggling to write it down.

[hilleviw.livejournal.com]

A couple of years ago, for her birthday, my mother asked for a vibrator. I balked when she wanted to provide details about why she felt it necessary to augment her sex life. There are some things I really don't want to know. Your "Gah!" absolutely has my sympathy. Amused, da, but also just a little taken aback?

[liz-marcs.livejournal.com]

Oooooh, nail? Meet head. Very taken aback. I should be used to this by now, but really. I'm not.

Heh. I even I can't imagine my mother asking for a vibrator for her birthday. Heee! I think I would very much die of terminal embarassment.

[hilleviw.livejournal.com]

Oh...then I'm in the sex shop in Northampton. All the vibrators that were the type I thought ma would prefer (dying of embarassment undergoing the thinking process) were in packaging that clearly indicated they were highly recommended for anal sex. Now, that's a perfectly fine practice for people to indulge in, but no way was I going to set myself up for my parents to draw the inference that I was recommending it for them. Okay, so I'm a prude. Whatever. The young woman running the shop was utterly offended that I asked for a similar model with different packaging; I was completely gobsmacked by how huffy she was. Wound up shopping on-line instead.

[rileysaplank.livejournal.com]

I think I love your Mom.

*grins*

[dawnmipb.livejournal.com]

Would your mother care to adopt me?

If not, would she accept a worshipper?

[mochi-tsuki.livejournal.com]

OMG! I needed that laugh. I've had a roller-coaster of an evening, that was looking to end on a downswing, but that brought me right back up again.

Your mom would have gotten on really well with mine, we would have cringed together.

[nwhepcat.livejournal.com]

What makes it hilarious is that she didn't say "personal lubricant" but "lube." Hee!

[waleli.livejournal.com]

Your mother sounds like my mom...we went to the mall and she decides that she wants to go into Spencers and buys all sorts of sex games and toys and such and then brings them to the register..I'm already turn bright red, when I see that the person at the register is my best friend and someone who has known my mom and I since he was about 2. He looks at my mom and says "you playing a practical joke, Mrs. M...?" and my mom just point blank goes "No, I'm planning a special night with the Mr. What? I'm not allowed to have fun too?" *headdesk*

[altyronsmaker.livejournal.com]

OMG! You made me pee my pants!!!!

I so dig your mom!

[tjalorak.livejournal.com]

Wow. Sounds like a Character.

Very cool Mom you have there. ;)

Your Mom ROCKZ!!!!

[(Anonymous)]

I so need parents like that. Mine usually go so far as to just put anything morally questionable directly into the trash, which includes my subscription to Maxim. There is the occasional bout of humor since they are also really naive.

Either way again YOUR MOM ROCKS!!!

[lavenderherring.livejournal.com]

That is painful.

[jgracio.livejournal.com]

Deeply amused? Don't you mean scarred for life? :)

[hjcallipygian.livejournal.com]

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

That is awesome.

[moire2.livejournal.com]

I'm grinning ear to ear. You and your mother sound like a blast.

[szandara.livejournal.com]

Please ask your mom if she will adopt me. I'm already half French-Canadian, and I promise I would remember to get her a really good present for Mother's Day, like her favorite brand of lube. :-)

[desoto-hia873.livejournal.com]

Hee! That is too funny.

[texanfan.livejournal.com]

Now that is the way to live to be 120! I love your father's "leave me out of this. Obviously, the man sports a permanent blush. Heh. Mind if I email this to a friend? She'll love this story.