liz_marcs: George watching a soul enter its lights (DLM_George_Seeing_Lights)
liz_marcs ([personal profile] liz_marcs) wrote2013-10-15 08:08 pm

Death in the Family, So Disappearing for a Bit

As you may have noticed I haven't been around much for the past year? Two years?

Well, anyway, aside from my life getting turned upside-down three years ago due to a complete change in my career -- and me returning to school -- part of that was due to my father being diagnosed with multiple system atrophy (MSA). It's a fairly vicious nerve disorder that goes undetected because of its non-specific symptoms.

One year ago, my dad may have been unsteady on his feet, but he could still drive. Yesterday, my dad was barely capable of walking, and what little he could do could only be done with the aid of a walker.

It's the hardest thing in the world to witness. My dad was a mailman. He could walk miles and not even feel the strain. Only to wind down to something like this.

It's not an exaggeration to say that sometimes I would come home from visiting on Sundays so I could take my parents for a drive or run errands for them, and would burst into tears minutes after walking through the front door. Hell, sometimes I would get off the phone after talking to him (it was difficult for him to form words at times), and I would burst into tears again.

His biggest fear was that he would end up bed-ridden and in a nursing home. God knows my mother did everything in her power, as did my brother, to make sure that he could stay home as long as possible.

And truly, my mother and my brother bore the brunt of the burden since they were right there, and I was living 45 minutes away. My job (such as it was) was to be the safety valve for everyone so they could vent when they needed to, or to fill in for my brother when he needed a break.

(Truthfully, something really karmically good needs to happen for my brother. If any man deserves it, y'know?)

Right. I'm rambling.

*takes deep breath*

So, my dad died this morning. A stroke that hit him so hard that he didn't know what hit him. It was sudden, and it wasn't.

The point is, he had breakfast with my mom. They watched their morning news shows. Then he went to the bathroom. My mother got distracted by a call, and a half-hour went by before she realized that he was still in there.

She found him on the floor, already gone.

So...bad day for the family. But, strange as this may sound, a good day for my dad.

He died exactly the way he wanted to. At home. After having a nice morning with my mom. On a beautifully warm fall day. And so suddenly that he never saw it coming.

Anyway, ummm, sorry for the rambling. I'm not exactly at my most emotionally stable at the moment, as one poor stranger learned this evening.

I was going in to vote in the special election primary (Why? I have no friggin' clue, given the day I just had. I think I was operating a bit on automatic to be honest.) and some guy looked at me and randomly told me to "cheer up and smile."

To say I snapped at him would have been a massive, massive understatement.

So, yeah. Not exactly a good person to be near at the moment.

I know things will be okay. I know this is for the best. But it's gonna be a tough holiday season coming up.

But we'll get through it.

'Cause that's the thing when bad things happen. It might feel like the world has ended, but when you crawl back to your feet the most amazing thing happens.

The world, as it turns out, is still there.

And that's not a bad thing.
musesfool: jar of flower petals, spilling (but there is this)

[personal profile] musesfool 2013-10-16 12:44 am (UTC)(link)
Having very recently gone through something similar, I know exactly what you mean.

My condolences on your loss.
beccastareyes: Image of Sam from LotR. Text: loyal (Default)

[personal profile] beccastareyes 2013-10-16 12:45 am (UTC)(link)
My condolences. Even if it's how he'd wanted to go, it still sucks.
callmesandyk: (the hortatory)

[personal profile] callmesandyk 2013-10-16 01:00 am (UTC)(link)
I am so sorry for your loss.
spikewriter: (safe)

[personal profile] spikewriter 2013-10-16 01:32 am (UTC)(link)
I'm sorry for your loss. It's good he had a nice morning with your mom and as time passes, that may be a comfort for you. But I know it hurts beyond speaking at this moment and you are in my thoughts and prayers. Your mother, too, because I can't imagine how it must have been for her.

:: hugs ::
jjhunter: Silhouetted watercolor tree against deep sky-strewn sky (poetree starlight)

[personal profile] jjhunter 2013-10-16 02:45 am (UTC)(link)
I hope the good memories stay burnished and ever-ready for kindling welcome recollections of all the time you and your dad shared; I hope the bone marrow-ache of bearing witness to his recent pain and spiraling disability settles and decays peaceably into the past.
justhuman: Lady of Shallot in the boat - Waterhouse painting (shallot)

[personal profile] justhuman 2013-10-16 03:20 am (UTC)(link)
Sorry for your loss
jetpack_monkey: (Donna - Sad Hugs)

[personal profile] jetpack_monkey 2013-10-16 03:21 am (UTC)(link)
Many many hugs.

[personal profile] postholedigger 2013-10-16 03:39 am (UTC)(link)
I am so sorry for your loss.
anonymous_sibyl: A white teapot and clear teacup full of tea on a black background. (Food & Drink--Tea)

[personal profile] anonymous_sibyl 2013-10-16 04:19 am (UTC)(link)
I'm so sorry for your loss.
syderia: lotus Syderia (Default)

[personal profile] syderia 2013-10-16 05:17 am (UTC)(link)
I'm sorry for your loss.
uninvitedcat: (Default)

[personal profile] uninvitedcat 2013-10-16 05:31 am (UTC)(link)
Sorry to hear such news. Condolences to you and your family.
deird1: Saffron looking pretty (Saffron)

[personal profile] deird1 2013-10-16 05:44 am (UTC)(link)
I'm so sorry. *hugs*
lastscorpion: (Default)

[personal profile] lastscorpion 2013-10-16 06:20 am (UTC)(link)
I'm so sorry for your loss. Condolences and best wishes for you and your family.

[personal profile] seadragonlady 2013-10-16 09:40 am (UTC)(link)
I'm so sorry for your loss. Try to focus on the good times. It does help.
arasigyrn: Joker card and Ace of Hearts (Default)

[personal profile] arasigyrn 2013-10-16 10:43 am (UTC)(link)
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your dad sounds like he was an amazing man.
starshadow_rivaulx: (Default)

[personal profile] starshadow_rivaulx 2013-10-16 02:55 pm (UTC)(link)
My condolences and deepest sympathies to you and your family.

yourlibrarian: Angel Must Let Go (BUF-LetYouGo-trueslayer26)

[personal profile] yourlibrarian 2013-10-16 10:24 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm glad to hear he was able to go as he wanted -- that's the best any of us can hope for.

Also, I have little sympathy for the "cheer up and smile" guy. No one has any business saying that to anyone else. Maybe "Can I help?"
Edited 2013-10-16 22:26 (UTC)
seferin: (Default)

[personal profile] seferin 2013-10-17 12:50 am (UTC)(link)
I'm sorry for your loss.
othercat: (inuyasha: just a fairytale)

[personal profile] othercat 2013-10-17 02:35 am (UTC)(link)
I'm sorry for your loss.
spiralleds: (Coffee Love)

[personal profile] spiralleds 2013-10-26 03:24 pm (UTC)(link)
My deep sympathies.